SHAM 


A  SOCIAL  SATIRE  IN  ONE  ACT 
BY  FRANK  G.  TOMPKINS 


UNIVERSITY  FARM 


P5353? 


UNIVERSITY  OF 


STEWART  KIDD   MODERN  PLAYS 

Edited  by  Frank  Shay 


SHAM 


Stewart  Kidd  Modern  Plays 

Edited  by   Frank  Shay 

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From  time  to  time  special  announcements  will 
be  printed  giving  complete  lists  of  the  Plays. 
Those  announced  thus  far  are: 

SHAM,  a  Social  Satire  in  One  Act. 
By  Frank  G.  Tompkins. 
Originally  produced  by    Sam  Hume,    at  the 
Arts  and  Crafts  Theatre,  Detroit. 

THE  SHEPHERD  IN  THE  DISTANCE, 

a  Pantomime  in  One  Act.  By  Holland  Hudson. 
Originally  produced  by  the  Washington  Square 
Players. 

MANSIONS,  a  Play  in  One  Act. 
By  Hildegarde  Planner. 

Originally  produced  by  the  Indiana  Little 
Theatre  Society. 

HEARTS  TO  MEND,  a  Fantasy  in  One  Act. 
By  H.  A.  Overstreet. 

Originally  produced  by  the  Fireside  Players, 
White  Plains,  N.  Y. 

Bound  in  Art  Paper.    Others  to  follow. 


SHAM 


A  SOCIAL  SATIRE 


By 
FRANK  G.  TOMPKINS 


Originally  produced  by  Sam  Hume  as  the  dedicatory  piece 

of  the  new  Arts  &  Crafts  Theatre,  Detroit,  and  by 

Maurice  Browne  of  the  Chicago  Art  Theatre. 


.  CINCINNATI 

STEWART  &  KIDD  COMPANY 
PUBLISHERS 


LIBRARY 

UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA 
DAVIS 


COPYRIGHT,  1920 
STEWART  &  KIDD  COMPANY 


All  Rights  Reserved 
COPYRIGHTED  IN  ENGLAND 


Reprinted  by  special  arrangement  with  Mr.  Frank  G.  Tompkins 

The  professional  and  amateur  stage  rights  on  this  play  are  strictly 

reserved  by  the  author.  Applications  tor  permission    to    produce    this 

play  should  be  made  to  Mr.  Frank    Shay,   care   Stewart  &  Kidd    Co., 
Cincinnati,  U.  S.  A. 


SHAM 

BY  FRANK  G.  TOMPKINS 

Three  people :  CHARLES,  the  householder. 
CLARA,  his  wife. 
THE  THIEF. 

Scene:  A  darkened  room. 

After  a  moment  the  door  opens,  admitting  a 
streak  of  light.  A  man  peers  in  cautiously.  As 
soon  as  he  is  sure  that  the  room  is  unoccupied, 
he  steps  inside  and  feels  along  the  wall  until  he 
finds  the  switch  which  floods  the  room  with 
light.  He  is  dressed  in  impeccable  taste — evi 
dently  a  man  of  culture.  From  time  to  time  he 
bites  appreciatively  on  a  ham  sandwich  as  he 
looks  about  him,  apparently  viewing  the  room 
for  the  first  time.  Nothing  pleases  him  until  a 
vase  over  the  mantel  catches  his  eye.  He  picks 
it  up,  looks  at  the  bottom,  puts  it  down  hard, 
and  mutters,  "Imitation."  Other  articles  re 
ceive  the  same  disdainful  verdict.  The  whole 
room  is  beneath  his  notice.  He  starts  to  sit 
down  before  the  fire  and  enjoy  his  sandwich. 
Suddenly  he  pauses  to  listen,  looks  about  him 
hurriedly  for  some  place  to  hide,  thinks  better 
of  it,  and  takes  his  stand  opposite  the  door, 
smiling  pleasantly  and  expectantly.  The  door 
opens  and  a  young  woman  enters  with  a  man  at 
her  heels.  As  she  sees  the  thief  she  stifles  a 
scream  and  retreats,  backing  the  man  out  be 
hind  her.  The  thief  smiles  and  waits.  Soon 

5 


SHAM 


the  door  opens  again,  and  the  man^enters  with 
the  woman  clinging  to  him.  They  stand  oppo 
site  the  thief  and  stare  at  him,  not  sure  what 
they  ought  to  say  or  do. 

THIEF 

(pleasantly)  Good  evening!  (pause)  Good 
evening,  good  evening.  You  surprised  me. 
Can't  say  I  expected  you  home  so  soon.  Was 
the  play,  an  awful  bore  ?  (pause)  We-e-ell, 
can't  one  of  you  speak.  I  CAN  carry  on  a  con 
versation  alone,  but  -the  question-and-answer 
method  is  usually  preferred.  If  one  of  you  will 
ask  me  how  I  do,  we  might  get  a  step  farther. 

CLARA 

(breathlessly)  You — you — (with  growing  con 
viction)  You're  a  thief! 

THIEF 

Exactly.  And  you,  madame  ?  The  mistress  of 
the  house,  I  presume.  Or  are  you  another 
thief?  The  traditional  one  that  it  takes  to 
catch  the  first? 

CLARA 

This — this  is  OUR  house.  Charles,  why  don't 
you  do  something?  Don't  stand  there  like  a — 
Make  him  go  away !  Tell  him  he  mustn't  take 
anything.  (Advancing  toward  the  thief  and 
speaking  all  in  one  sentence)  What  have  you 
taken?  Give  it  to  me  instantly.  How  dare 
you !  Charles,  take  it  away  from  him. 

CHARLES 

(apparently  not  afraid,  a  little  amused,  but  un 
certain  what  to  do,  finally  adopting  the  bullying 
tone)     I  say,  old  man,  you'd  better  clear  out. 
6 


SHAM 


We've  come  home.  You  know  you  can't — come 
now,  give  it  up.  Be  sensible.  I  don't  want  to 
use  force — 

THIEF 

I  don't  want  you  to. 

CHARLES 

If  you've  got  anything  of  ours —  We  aren't 
helpless,  you  know.  (He  starts  to  draw  some- 
thing  black  and  shiny  from  his  overcoat  pocket. 
It  might  be  a  pistol,  but  he  does  not  reveal  its 
shape.) 

THIEF 

Let's  see  those  glasses.  Give  them  here  (takes 
them  from  the  uncertain  Charles).  Perhaps 
they're  better  than  mine.  Fine  cases.  (Tries 
them)  Humph !  Window  glass !  Take  them 
back.  You're  not  armed,  you  know.  I  threw 
your  revolver  down  the  cold-air  shaft.  Never 
carry  one  myself — in  business  hours.  Yours 
was  in  the  bottom  of  your  bureau  drawer.  Bad 
shape,  those  bureau  drawers  were  in.  Nice  and 
neat  on  top;  rat's  nest  below.  Shows  up  your 
character  in  great  shape,  old  man.  Always  tell 
your  man  by  his  bureau  drawers.  Didn't  it  ever 
occur  to  you  that  a  thief  might  drop  in  on  you 
some  night  ?  What  would  he  think  of  you  ? 

CHARLES 

I  don't  think — 
THIEF 

You  should.  I  said  to  myself  when  I  opened 
that  drawer:  "They  put  up  a  great  surface,  but 
they're  shams.  Probably  streak  that  runs 
through  everything  they  do."  You  ought  to  be- 

7 


SHAM 


gin  with  real  neatness.  This  other  sort  of  thing 
is  just  a  form  of  dishonesty. 

CLARA 

You !  Talking  to  US  about  honesty — in  our 
house  I 

THIEF 

fast  the  place  for  honesty.     Begins  at  home, 
et's — 

CLARA 

•  Charles,  I  won't  stand  this?  Grab  hold  of 
him.  Search  him.  You  hold  him.  I'll  tele 
phone. 

THIEF 

You  can't. 

CLARA 

You've  cut  the  wires. 

THIEF 

Didn't  have  to.  Your  telephone  service  has 
been  cut  off  by  the  company.  I  found  that  out 
before  I  came.  I  suspect  you  neglected  the  bill. 
You  ought  not  to,  makes  no  end  of  trouble. 
Inconvenienced  me  this  evening.  Better  get  it 
put  in  right  away. 

CLARA 

Charles,  do  I  have  to  stand  here  and  be  in 
sulted? 

THIEF 

Sit  down.     Won't  you,  please!     This  is  your 
last  ham-sandwich,  so  I  can't  offer  you  any,  but 
there's  plenty  of  beer  in  the  cellar,  if  you  care 
8 


SHAM 


for  it.  I  don't  recommend  it,  but  perhaps  you're 
used  to  it. 

CLARA  (almost  crying) 

Charles,  are  you  going  to  let  him  preach  to  us 
all  night !  I  won't  have  it.  Being  lectured  by 
a  thief ! 

CHARLES 

You  can't  stop  a  man's  talking,  my  dear,  espe 
cially  this  sort  of  man.  Can't  you  see  he's  a 
born  preacher  ?  Old  man,  while  advice  is  going 
round,  let  me  tell  you  that  you've  missed  your 
calling.  Why  don't  you  go  in  for  reform? 
Ought  to  go  big. 

CLARA 

Oh,  Charles!  Don't  talk  to  him.  You're  a 
good  deal  bigger  than  he  is. 

THIEF 

Maybe  I'll  jiu-jitsu  him. 

CLARA 

He's  insulting  you  now,  Charles.  Please  try. 
I'll  hold  his  feet. 

THIEF 

No  doubt  you  would.  But  that  wouldn't  stop 
my  talking.  You'd  be  taking  an  unfair  ad 
vantage,  too;  I  couldn't  kick  a  lady,  could  I? 
Besides,  there  are  two  of  you.  You  leave  it  to 
Charles  and  me.  Let's  have  fair  play,  at  least. 

CLARA 

Fair  play?    I'd  like  to  know — 

THIEF 

Ple-e-ase,  don't  screech!     My  head  aches  and 
9 


SHAM 


your  voice  pierces  so.  Let's  sit  down  quietly 
and  discuss  the  situation  like  well-bred  people, 
and  when  we've  come  to  some  understanding, 
I'll  go. 

CLARA 

Yes,  after  you've  taken  everything  in  the  house 
and  criticised  everything  else  you  can't  take, 
our  manners  and  our  morals. 

CHARLES 

But  he  is't  taking  anything  now,  is  he  ?  Let  the 
poor  chap  criticise,  can't  you  ?  I  don't  suppose 
he  often  meets  his — er — customers  socially. 
He's  just  dying  for  a  good  old  visit.  Lone 
some  profession,  isn't  it,  old  man? 

CLARA 

If  you  WON'T  do  anything,  I'll  call  the  neigh 
bors. 

THIEF 

No  neighbors  to  call.  Nearest  one  a  block 
away,  and  he  isn't  at  home.  That  comes  of 
living  in  a  fashionable  suburb.  Don't  believe 
you  can  afford  it,  either.  WON'T  you  sit  down, 
madame?  I  can't  till  you  do.  Well,  then  I 
shall  have  to  stand,  and  I've  been  on  my  feet 
all  day.  It's  hardly  considerate  (plaintively). 
I  don't  talk  so  well  on  my  feet,  either.  It  will 
take  me  much  longer  this  way.  (Clara  bounces 
into  a  chair ,  meaningfully)  Thank  you,  that's 
better  (sighs  with  relief  as  he  sinks  into  the  easy 
chair)  I  knew  I  could  appeal  to  your  better 
nature.  Have  a  cigarette?  (Charles  accepts 
one  from  his  beautiful  case)  And  you, 
madame  ? 

10 


SHAM 


CLARA    (puts    out   her   hand,    but   withdraws    it 
quickly) 

Thank  you,  I  don't  care  to  smoke — with  a  thief. 

THIEF 

Right.  Better  not  smoke,  anyway.  I'm  so  old- 
fashioned,  I  hate  to  see  women  smoke.  None 
of  the  women  in  my  family  do  it.  Perhaps 
we're  too  conventional — 

CLARA 

I  don't  know  that  I  care  to  be  like  the  women 
of  your  family.  I  will  have  one,  if  you  please. 
No  doubt  you  get  them  from  a  man  of  taste. 

THIEF 

Your  next-door  neighbor.  This  is — was — his 
case.  Exquisite  taste.  Seen  this  case  often,  I 
suppose?  (He  eyes  them  closely)  Great 
friends?  Or  perhaps  you  don't  move  in  the 
same  circles.  (Clara  glares  at  him)  Pardon 
me.  Tactless  of  me,  but  how  could  I  guess? 
Well,  here's  your  chance  to  get  acquainted  with 
his  cigarettes.  Will  you  have  one  now  ? 

CLARA 

I  don't  receive  stolen  goods. 

THIEF 

That's  a  little  hard  on  Charles,  isn't  it?  He 
seems  to  be  enjoying  his. 

CHARLES 

Bully  cigarette.  Hempsted's  a  connoisseur. 
Truth  is — we  don't  know  the  Hempsteds. 
They've  never  called. 

n 


SHAM 


THIEF 

That's  right,  Charles.  Tell  the  truth  and  shame 
(with  a  jerk  of  his  head  toward  Clara) — you 
know  who. 

CLARA 

Charles,  there  isn't  any  reason,  I'm  sure — 

THIEF 

Quietly,  please.  Remember  my  head.  I'm 
sorry  but  I  must  decline  to  discuss  your  social 
prospects  with  you,  and  also  your  neighbors' 
shortcomings,  much  as  we  should  all  enjoy  it. 
There  isn't  time  for  that.  Let's  get  down  to 
business.  The  question  we've  got  to  decide  and 
decide  very  quickly  is,  What  would  you  like  to 
have  me  take? 

CLARA  (aghast) 

What  would  we — what  would  we  like  to  have 
you  take?  Why — why — you  can't  take  any 
thing  now;  we're  here.  Of  all  the  nerve! 
What  would  we  like — 

THIEF 

It  gains  by  repetition,  doesn't  it. 

CHARLES 

You've  got  me,  old  man.  You'll  have  to  come 
again.  I  may  be  slow,  but  I  don't  for  the  mo 
ment  see  the  necessity  for  your  taking  anything. 

THIEF 

I  was  afraid  of  this.     I'll  have  to  begin  farther 
back.     Look  here  now,  just  suppose  I  go  away 
and  don't  take  anything  (with  an  air  of  tri 
umph)     How  would  you  like  that? 
12 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

Suits  me  to  a  "T."  How  about  you,  my  dear? 
Think  you  can  be  firm  and  bear  up  under  it? 

THIEF 

Don't  be  sarcastic.  You're  too  big.  Only 
women  and  little  men  should  be  sarcastic.  Be 
sides,  it  isn't  fair  to  me,  when  I'm  trying  to 
help  you.  Here  am  I,  trying  to  get  you  out  of 
a  mighty  ticklish  situation,  and  you  go  and  get 
funny.  It  isn't  right. 

CHARLES 

Beg  pardon,  old  man.  Try  us  in  words  of  one 
syllable.  You  see  this  is  a  new  situation  for  us. 
But  we're  anxious  to  learn. 

THIEF 

Listen,  then.  See  if  you  can  follow  this.  Now 
there's  nothing  in  your  house  that  I  want;  noth 
ing  that  I  could  for  a  moment  contemplate  keep 
ing  without  a  good  deal  of  pain  to  myself. 

CLARA 

We're  trying  to  spare  you.  But  if  you  care  to 
know,  we  had  the  advice  of  Elsie  de  Wolfe. 

THIEF  (ivonderingly) 

Elsie  de  Wolfe?  Elsie,  how  could  you !  Now, 
if  you  had  asked  me  to  guess,  I  should  have 
said — the  Pullman  Company.  I  shudder  to 
think  of  owning  any  of  this  bric-a-brac  myself. 
But  it  must  be  done.  Here  am  I  offering  to 
burden  myself  with  something  I  don't  want, 
wouldn't  keep  for  worlds,  and  couldn't  sell. 
(Growing  a  little  oratorical)  Why  do  I  do 
this? 

13 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

Yes,  why  do  you  ? 
CLARA 

Hush,  Charles;  it's  a  rhetorical  question;  he 
wants  to  answer  it  himself. 

THIEF 

I  do  it  to  accommodate  you.  Must  I  be  even 
plainer?  Imagine  that  I  go  away,  refusing  to 
take  anything  in  spite  of  your  protests.  Imag 
ine  it's  to-morrow.  The  police  and  the  report 
ers  have  caught  wind  of  the  story.  Something 
has  been  taken  from  every  house  in  Sargent 
Road — except  one.  The  nature  of  the  articles 
shows  that  the  thief  is  a  man  of  rare  discrim 
ination.  To  be  quite  frank — a  connoisseur. 

CLARA 

A  connoisseur  of  what  ?    Humph ! 
THIEF 

And  a  connoisseur  of  such  judgment  that  to 
have  him  pass  your  Rubens  by  is  to  cast  doubt 
upon  its  authenticity.  I  do  not  exaggerate.  Let 
me  tell  you  that  from  the  Hempsteds — (Clara 
leans  forward,  all  interest) — but  that  would 
take  too  long.  (She  leans  back)  The  public 
immediately  asks,  Why  did  the  thief  take  noth 
ing  from  2819  Sargent  Road?  The  answer  is 
too  obvious :  There  is  nothing  worth  taking  at 
2819  Sargent  Road. 

CHARLES  (comprehendingly) 
Um-hu-m ! 

THIEF 

The  public  laughs.     Worse  still,  the  neighbors 
14 


SHAM 


laugh.  What  becomes  of  social  pretensions 
after  that?  It's  a  serious  thing,  laughter  is. 
It  puts  anybody's  case  out  of  court.  And  it's  a 
serious  thing  to  have  a  thief  pass  you  by.  Peo 
ple  have  been  socially  marooned  for  less  than 
that.  Have  I  made  myself  clear?  Are  you 
ready  for  the  question  ?  What  would  you  like 
to  have  me  take? 

CHARLES 

Now,  old  man,  I  say  that's  neat.  Sure  you 
aren't  a  lawyer? 

THIEF 

I  have  studied  the  law — but  not  from  that  side. 

CLARA 

It's  all  bosh.  Why  couldn't  we  claim  we'd  lost 
something  very  valuable,  something  we'd  never 
had? 

THIEF  (solemnly) 

That's  the  most  shameless  proposal  I've  ever 
heard.  Yes,  you  could  lie  about  it.  I  can't  con 
ceal  from  you  what  I  think  of  your  moral  stand 
ards. 

CHARLES 

I  can't  imagine  you  concealing  anything  un 
pleasant. 

CLARA 

It's  no  worse  than — 

THIEF 

Your  moral  sense  is  blunted.  But  I  can't  attend 
to  that  now.  Think  of  this :  Suppose,  as  I  said, 
I  should  take  nothing  and  you  should  publish 

15 


SHAM 


that  bare-faced  lie,  and  then  I  should  get  caught. 
Would  I  shield  you?  Never.  Or  suppose  I 
shouldn't  get  caught.  Has  no  one  entered  your 
house  since  you  have  been  here  ?  Doesn't  your 
maid  know  what  you  have  ?  Can  you  trust  her 
not  to  talk?  No,  no,  it  isn't  worth  the  risk. 
It  isn't  even  common  sense,  to  say  nothing  of 
the  moral  aspects  of  the  case.  Why  do  people 
never  stop  to  think  of  the  practical  advantages 
of  having  things  stolen !  Endless  possibilities ! 
Why,  a  woman  loses  a  $5  brooch  and  it's  im 
mediately  worth  $15.  The  longer  it  stays  lost, 
the  more  diamonds  it  had  in  it,  until  she  prays 
God  every  night  that  it  won't  be  found.  Look 
at  the  advertising  she  gets  put  of  it.  And  does 
she  learn  anything  from  it?  Never.  Let  a 
harmless  thief  appear  in  her  room  and  she  yells 
like  a  hyena  instead  of  saying  to  him,  like  a 
sensible  woman :  "Hands  up ;  I've  got  you  right 
where  I  want  you;  you  take  those  imitation 
pearls  off  my  dresser  and  get  to  hell  out  of  here. 
If  I  ever  see  you  or  those  pearls  around  here 
again,  I'll  hand  you  over  to  the  police."  That's 
what  she  ought  to  say.  It's  the  chance  of  her 
life.  But  unless  she's  an  actress,  she  misses  it 
absolutely.  A  thief  doesn't  expect  gratitude, 
but  it  seems  to  me  he  might  at  least  expect  un 
derstanding  and  intelligent  co-operation.  Here 
are  you  facing  disgrace,  and  here  am  I  willing 
to  save  you.  And  what  do  I  get?  Sarcasm, 
cheap  sarcasm! 

CHARLES 

I  beg  your  pardon,  old  man.     I'm  truly  sorry. 
You're  just  too  advanced  for  us.    Clara,  there's 
an  idea  in  it.     What  do  you  think? 
16 


SHAM 


CLARA 

It  has  its  possibilities.  Now  if  he'll  let  me 
choose —  Isn't  there  a  joker  in  it  somewhere? 
Let  me  think.  We  might  let  you  have  some 
thing.  What  do  you  want? 

^HIEF  (indignantly) 

What  do  I  want?  I — don't  want — anything. 
Can't  you  see  that?  The  question  is,  What  do 
you  want  me  to  have?  And  please  be  a  little 
considerate.  Don't  ask  me  to  take  the  pianola 
or  the  ice-box.  Can't  you  make  up  your  minds. 
Let  me  help  you.  Haven't  you  got  some  old 
wedding  gifts  ?  Everybody  has.  Regular  white 
elephants,  yet  you  don't  dare  get  rid  of  them 
for  fear  the  donors  will  come  to  see  you  and 
miss  them.  A  discriminating  thief  is  a  godsend. 
All  you  have  to  do  is  write:  "Dear  Maude  and 
Fred:  Last  night  our  house  was  broken  into, 
and  of  course  the  first  thing  that  was  taken  was 
that  lovely  Roycroft  chair  you  gave  us."  Or 
choose  what  you  like.  Here's  opportunity 
knocking  at  your  door.  Make  it  something 
ugly  as  you  please,  but  something  genuine.  I 
hate  sham. 

CLARA 

Charles,  it's  our  chance.  There's  that  lovely, 
hand-carved — 

THIEF 

Stop !  I  saw  it  (shuddering)  It  has  the  marks 
of  the  machine  all  over  it.  Not  that.  I  can't 
take  that. 

CLARA 

Beggars  shouldn't  be — 


SHAM 


THIEF 

Where's  my  coat?    That  settles  it. 

CLARA 

Oh,  don't  go!  I  didn't  mean  it.  Honestly  I 
didn't.  It  just  slipped  out.  You  mustn't  leave 
us  like  this — 

THIEF 

I  don't  have  to  put  up  with  such — 

CLARA 

Oh,  please  stay,  and  take  something !  Haven't 
we  anything  you  want?  Charles,  hold  him; 
don't  let  him  go.  No,  that  won't  do  any  good. 
Talk  to  him — 

CHARLES 

Don't  be  so  sensitive,  old  man.  She  didn't 
mean  it.  You  know  how  those  old  sayings  slip 
out — just  say  themselves.  She  only  called  you 
a  little  beggar  anyway.  You  ought  to  hear 
what  she  calls  me  sometimes. 

THIEF 

I  don't  want  to.  I'm  not  her  husband.  And  I 
don't  believe  she  does  it  in  the  same  way,  either. 
But  I'm  not  going  to  be  mean  about  this.  I'll 
give  you  another  chance.  Trot  out  your  curios. 

CHARLES 

How  about  this?  Old  luster  set  of  Clara's 
grandmother's.  I'm  no  judge  of  such  things 
myself,  but  if  you  could  use  it,  take  it.  Grand 
dad  gave  it  to  her  when  they  were  sweethearts, 
didn't  he,  Clara? 

18 


SHAM 


THIEF 

That!  Old  luster?  That  jug  won't  be  four 
years  old  its  next  birthday.  Don't  lay  such 
things  to  your  grandmother.  Have  some  re 
spect  for  the  dead.  If  you  gave  more  than 
$3.98  for  it,  they  saw  you  coming. 

CLARA 

You  don't  know  anything  about  it.  You're  just 
trying  to  humiliate  us  because  you  know  you 
have  the  upper  hand. 

THIEF 

All  right.    Go  ahead.    Take  your  own  risks. 
CLARA 

There's  this  Sheffield  tray? 
THIEF 

No. 

CHARLES 

Do  you  like  Wedgewood? 

THIEF 

Yes,  where  is  it?     (Looks  at  it)     No. 

CLARA 

This  darling  hawthorne  vase — 

THIEF 

Please  take  it  away.     It  isn't  hawthorne. 

CHARLES 

I  suppose  Cloisonne — 

THIEF 

If  they  were  any  of  them  what  you  call  them. 
But  they  aren't. 

19 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

Well,  if  you'd  consider  burnt  wood.  That's  a 
genuine  burn. 

THIEF 

Nothing  short  of  cremation  would  do  it  justice. 
Of  course  I've  got  to  take  one  of  them,  if  they're 
all  you've  got.  But  honestly,  there  isn't  one 
genuine  thing  in  this  house,  except  Charles — 
and — and  the  ham  sandwich. 

CLARA  (takes  miniature  from  cabinet) 

I  wonder  if  you  would  treasure  this  as  I  do. 
It's  very  dear  to  me.  It's  grandmother — 

THIEF  (suspiciously) 
Grandmother  again? 

CLARA 

As  a  little  girl.  Painted  on  ivory.  See  that 
quaint  old  coral  necklace.  And  those  adorable 
yellow  curls.  And  the  pink  circle  comb.  Would 
you  like  it? 

THIEF 

Trying  to  appeal  to  my  sympathy.  I've  a  good 
notion  to  take  it  to  punish  you.  I  wonder  if  it 
IS  your  grandmother.  There  isn't  the  slightest 
family  resemblance.  Look  here ! — it  is ! — it's 
a  copy  of  the  Selby  miniature !  Woman,  do  you 
know  who  that  IS?  It's  Harriet  Beecher 
Stowe  at  twelve.  What  have  you  done  with 
my  overcoat? 

CHARLES 

I  give  up.    Here  it  is.    Clara,  that  was  too  bad. 

CLARA 

I  wanted  to  see  if  he'd  know. 
20 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

There's  no  use  trying  to  save  us  after  this. 
We'll  just  have  to  bear  the  disgrace. 

THIEF 

Charles,  you're  a  trump !  I'll  even  take  that 
old  daub  for  YOU.  Give  it  to  me. 

CHARLES 

Wait  a  minute.  You  won't  have  to.  Say, 
Clara,  where  is  that  old  picture  of  Cousin  Paul? 
It's  just  as  bad  as  it  pretends  to  be,  if  genuine 
ness  is  all  you  want. 

THIEF  (suspiciously) 

Who  is  Cousin  Paul?  Don't  try  to  ring  in 
Daniel  Webster  on  me. 

CHARLES 

Cousin  of  mine.  Lives  on  a  farm  near  Mad 
ison,  Wisconsin. 

THIEF 

You  don't  claim  the  picture  is  by  Sargent  or 
Whistler? 

CLARA 

It  couldn't  be — 
THIEF  (ignoring  her  pointedly) 

Do  you,  Charles? 

CHARLES 

Certainly  not.  It's  a  water  color  of  the  purest 
water,  and  almost  a  speaking  likeness. 

T^EF 

ill  take  Cousin  Paul.  Probably  he  has  human 
interest. 

21 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

That's  the  last  thing  I  should  have  thought  of 
in  connection  with  Cousin  Paul. 

THIEF 

Bring  him,  but  wrapped,  please.  My  courage 
might  fail  me  if  I  saw  him  face  to  face. 

CHARLES  (leaving  room  for  picture) 
Mine  always  does. 

THIEF 

While  Charles  is  wrapping  up  the  picture,  I 
want  to  know  how  you  got  back  so  early.  Your 
maid  said  you  were  going  to  the  Garrick. 

CLARA 

We  told  her  so.  But  we  went  to  the  moving 
pictures. 

THIEF 

You  ought  not  to  go  to  the  movies.  It  will  de 
stroy  your  literary  taste  and  weaken  your  minds. 

CLARA 

I  don't  care  for  them  myself,  but  Charles  won't 
see  anything  else. 

THIEF 

You  ought  to  make  him.  Men  only  go  to  the 
theater  anyway  because  their  wives  take  them. 
They'd  rather  stay  at  home  or  play  billiards. 
You  have  a  chance  right  there.  Charles  will 
go  where  you  take  him.  By  and  by  he  will  begin 
to  like  it.  Now  to-night  there  was  a  Granville 
Barker  show  at  the  Garrick,  and  you  went  to 
the  movies  to  see  a  woman  whose  idea  of  ci!Hte- 
ness  is  to  act  as  if  she  had  a  case  of  arrested 
mental  development. 

22 


SHAM 


CHARLES  (entering,  doing  up  picture) 

Silly  old  films,  anyway.  But  Clara  will  go. 
Goes  afternoons  when  I'm  not  here,  and  then 
drags  me  off  again  in  the  evening.  Here's  your 
picture,  as  soon  as  I  get  it  tied  up.  Can't  tell 
you  how  grateful  we  are.  Shall  we  make  it 
unanimous,  Clara? 

CLARA 

I  haven't  the  vote,  you  know.  Clumsy!  give 
me  the  picture. 

THIEF 

Don't  try  to  thank  me.  If  you'll  give  up  this 
shamming  I'll  feel  repaid  for  my  time  and 
trouble  (looking  at  watch)  By  Jove !  it's  far 
too  much  time.  I  must  make  tracks  this  min 
ute.  I'll  feel  repaid  if  you'll  take  my  advice 
about  the  theater  for  one  thing,  and — why 
don't  you  bundle  all  this  imitation  junk  together 
and  sell  it  and  get  one  genuine  good  thing? 
(Clara  leaves,  apparently  for  more  string) 

CHARLES 

Who'd  buy  them? 
THIEF 

There  must  be  other  people  in  the  world  with 

taste  as  infallibly  bad  as  yours. 

CHARLES 

Call  that  honest? 

THIEF 

Certainly.  I'm  not  telling  you  to  sell  them  as 
relics.  You  couldn't  in  the  first  place,  except  to 
a  home  for  the  aged  and  indigent  blind.  But 
I  know  a  man  who  needs  them.  They'd  rejoice 

23 


SHAM 


his  heart.  They'd  be  things  of  beauty  to  him. 
I  wish  I  could  help  you  pick  out  something  with 
your  money.  But  I  don't  dare  risk  seeing  you 
again. 

CLARA  (re-entering,  with  the  picture  tied) 
Why  not?    There's  honor  among  thieves. 

THIEF 

There  is.  If  you  were  thieves,  I'd  know  just 
how  far  to  trust  you.  Now,  I'd  be  willing  to 
trust  Charles  as  man  to  man.  Gentleman's 
agreement.  But  (looking  at  Clara)  I  don't 
know — 

CHARLES 

Clara  is  just  as  honest  as  we  are — with  her  own 
class.  But  your  profession  puts  you  outside  the 
pale  with  her;  you're  her  natural  enemy.  You 
haven't  any  rights.  But  you've  been  a  liberal 
education  for  us  both. 

THIEF 

I've  been  liberal.  You  meet  me — listen ! — there 
are  footsteps  on  the  porch.  I — I've  waited  too 
long.  Here  I've  stood  talking — 

CHARLES 

Well,  stop  it  now,  can't  you.  I  don't  see  how 
you've  ever  got  anywhere.  Hide  ! 

THIEF 

No,  it  can't  be  done.  If  you'll  play  fair,  I'm 
safe  enough  here  in  this  room,  safer  than  any 
where  else.  Pretend  I'm  a  friend  of  yours. 
You  will?  Gentleman's  agreement?  (he  shakes 
hands  with  Charles) 

24 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

Gentleman's  agreement.     My  word  of  honor. 

CLARA  (offers  her  hand  as  Charles  starts  for  the 
door) 

Gentleman's  agreement,  but  only  in  this.  I 
haven't  forgiven  you  for  what  you've  said.  If 
I  ever  get  you  in  a  tight  place — look  out. 

THIEF  (taking  her  hand) 

Don't  tell  more  than  the  one  necessary  lie.  '  It's 
so  easy  to  get  started  in  that  sort  of  thing.  Stick 
to  it  that  I'm  a  friend  of  the  family  and  that  I've 
been  spending  the  evening.  God  knows  I  have ! 

CLARA 

I'll  try  to  stick  to  that.  But  can't  I  improvise  a 
little  ?  It's  such  fun ! 

THIEF 

Not  a  bit.    Not  one  little  white  lie. 

CHARLES  (entering  with  a  young  man  behind  him) 
It's  a  man  from  the  News.  He  says  he  wa?out 
here  on  another  story  and  he's  got  a  big  scoop. 
There's  been  some  artistic  burglary  in  the  neigh 
borhood  and  he's  run  onto  it.  I  told  him  we 
hadn't  lost  anything  and  that  we  don't  want  to 
get  into  the  papers;  but  he  wants  us  to  answer 
a  few  questions. 

REPORTER 

Please  do.  I  need  some  stuff  about  the  neigh 
borhood. 

CLARA 

I  don't  know,  Charles,  but  that  it's  our  duty. 
(She  smiles  wickedly  at  the  thief)  Something 

25 


SHAM 


we  say  may  help  catch  the  thieves.  Perhaps  we 
owe  it  to  law  and  order. 

REPORTER 

That's  right.    Would  you  object  if  I  used  your 

name? 

(Charles  and  the  thief  motion  to  Clara  to  keep 

still,  but  throughout  the  rest  of  the  conversation 

she  disregards  their  frantic  signals,  and  sails 

serenely  on.) 

CLARA 

I  don't  know  that  we  should  mind  if  you  men 
tion  us  nicely.  Will  the  Hempsteds  be  in?  I 
shan't  mind  it,  if  they  don't. 

REPORTER 

Good  for  you.     Now,  have  you — 

CLARA 

We  have  missed  something.     We  haven't  had 

time  to  look  thoroughly,  but  we  do  know  that 

one  of  our  pictures  is  gone. 

(The  men  are  motioning  to  her,  but  she  goes  on 

sweetly.) 

REPORTER 

A-a-ah!  Valuable  picture.  He  hasn't  taken 
anything  that  wasn't  best  of  its  class.  Remark 
able  chap.  Must  be  the  same  one  that  rifled  the 
Pierpont  collection  of  illuminated  manuscripts. 
Culled  the  finest  pieces  without  a  mistake. 

THIEF  (interested) 

He  made  one  big  mistake.    He — (stops  short) 

REPORTER 

Know  the  Pierponts  ? 

26 


SHAM 


THIEF 

Er — ye-es.  I've  been  in  their  house.  (Retires 
from  the  conversation.  Clara  smiles.) 

REPORTER 

Well,  believe  me,  if  he's  taken  anything,  your 
reputation  as  collectors  is  made.  Picture,  eh? 
Old  master,  I  suppose  ? 

CLARA 

A  family  portrait.  We  treasured  it  for  that. 
Associations,  you  know. 

REPORTER 

Must  have  been  valuable,  all  right.  Depend  on 
him  to  know.  He  don't  run  away  with  any  junk. 
Who  was  the  artist? 

CLARA 

We  don't  know — definitely. 
REPORTER 

Never  heard  it  attributed  to  anybody? 

CLARA 

We  don't  care  to  make  any  point  of  such  things. 
But  there  have  been  people  who  have  thought — 
it  was  not — a — a  Gilbert  Stuart. 

CHARLES 

Clara ! 

CLARA 

I  don't  know  much  about  such  things  myself. 
But  our  friend  (nods  toward  the  thief),  Mr. — 
Mr.  Hibbard — who  has  some  reputation  as  a 
collector,  has  always  said  that  it  was — not.  In 
spite  of  that  fact,  he  had  offered  to  take  it  off 
our  hands. 

27 


SHAM 


CHARLES 

Clara,  you're  going  too  far — 

REPORTER 

She's  quite  right.  You're  wrong,  Mr.  Hibbard. 
You  may  be  good,  but  this  fellow  KNOWS. 
Too  bad  you  didn't  take  it  while  the  taking  was 
good.  This  fellow  never  sells.  Of  course  he 
can't  exhibit.  Just  loves  beautiful  things.  No, 
sir,  it  was  real. 

THIEF  (between  his  teeth) 
It  wasn't.    Of  all  the — 

CLARA  (smiling) 

You  take  your  beating  so  ungracefully,  Mr. 
Hibbard.  T he  case,  you  see,  is  all  against  you. 

THIEF 

Be  careful.  The  picture  may  be  found  at  any 
minute.  Don't  go  too  far. 

CLARA 

I  hardly  think  it  will  be  found  unless  the  thief 
is  caught.  And  I  have  such  perfect  confidence 
in  his  good  sense  that  I  don't  expect  that. 

REPORTER 

Lots  of  time  for  a  getaway.  When  was  he 
here? 

CLARA 

He  was  gone  when  we  came  from  the  theater. 
But  we  must  almost  have  caught  him.  Some  of 
our  finest  things  were  gathered  together  here  on 
the  table  ready  for  his  flight.  How  he  must 
have  hated  to  leave  them,  all  the  miniatures  and 
the  cloissone.  I  almost  feel  sorry  for  him. 
28 


SHAM 


CHARLES 
I  do. 

CLARA 

You  see,  we  went  to  the  Garrick  for  the  Gran- 
ville  Barker  show.  Mr.  Hibbard  took  us  (she 
smiles  sweetly  at  him)  I'm  devoted  to  the  best 
in  drama  and  I  always  insist  that  Charles  and 
Mr.  Hibbard  shall  take  me  only  to  the  finest 
things.  And  now  we  come  home  to  find  our — 
You're  sure  it  was  a  Gilbert  Stuart? — gone. 

THIEF 

I've  got  to  be  getting  out  of  here !  Can't  stay 
a  minute  longer!  Charles,  I  wish  you  luck  in 
that  reform  we  were  speaking  of,  but  I  haven't 
much  hope  (looking  at  Clara)  There  is  such 
a  thing  as  total  depravity.  Oh,  here !  (taking 
package  from  under  his  arm)  What  am  I 
thinking  of?  I  was  running  away  with  your 
package  (hands  it  to  Clara) 

CLARA  (refusing  it) 

Oh,  but  it's  yours,  Mr.  Hibbard.  I  couldn't 
think  of  taking  it.  Really,  you  must  keep  it  to 
remember  us  by.  Put  it  among  your  art  treas 
ures  at  home,  next  to  your  lovely  illuminated 
manuscripts,  and  whenever  you  look  at  it  re 
member  us  and  this  delightful  evening,  from 
which  we  are  all  taking  away  so  much.  You 
must  keep  it — that's  part  of  the  bargain,  isn't 
it?  And  now  are  we  even? 

THIEF 

Even?    Far  from  it.    I  yield  you  your  woman's 
right  to  the  last  word,  and  I  admit  it's  the  best 
(stoops   and   kisses    he?:   hand)      Good-night, 
29 


SHAM 


Clara.  (To  the  reporter)  May  I  give  you  a 
lift  back  to  town? 

REPORTER 

Thanks.  As  far  as  the  Hempsted's  corner. 
Good-night.  Thank  you  for  this  much  help. 
(Exeunt.) 

CHARLES 

Thank  goodness,  they've  gone.  What  relief! 
That  pace  is  too  rapid  for  me.  You  had  me 
running  round  in  circles.  But  he's  got  the  pic 
ture,  and  we're  safe  at  last.  But  don't  you 
think,  Clara,  you  took  some  awful  risks.  You 
goaded  him  pretty  far. 

CLARA 

I  had  to.     Did  you  hear  him  call  me  Clara? 
CHARLES 

He  had  to  (chuckling)  He  doesn't  know  our 
name.  But  he  wasn't  a  bad  fellow,  was  he? 
I  couldn't  help  liking  him  in  spite  of  his  impu 
dence. 

CLARA 

You  showed  it.  You  took  sides  with  him 
against  me  all  the  time  the  reporter  was  here. 
But,  you  know,  he  was  right  about  our  house. 
It's  all  wrong.  The  Hempsteds  would  see  it 
in  a  minute.  I  believe  I'll  clear  out  this  cabinet 
and  have  this  room  done  over  in  mahogany. 

CHARLES 

Too  expensive  this  winter. 

CLARA 

Birch  will  do  just  as  well — nobody  knows  the 
difference.  Listen!,  is  he  coming  back? 

30 


SHAM 


REPORTER  (in  the  doorway) 

Excuse  me — listen.  Mr.  Hibbard  says  you've 
given  him  the  wrong  package.  He  says  you 
need  this  to  go  with  the  picture  of  your  grand 
mother.  And  he  says,  sir,  that  you  need  to  get 
wise  to  your  own  family.  He's  waiting  for  me. 
Good-night !  (Exit) 

CHARLES  (angrily) 

Get  wise  to  my  own  family  ?  He  may  know  all 
about  art  (undoing  the  picture)  but  I  guess  I 
know  my  own  relatives.  (Holds  up  picture  so 
that  audience  can  see  it,  but  he  can't)  And  if 
that  isn't  a  picture  of  my  own  cousin  Paul,  I'll 
eat — (sees  Clara  laughing)  What  the  devil! 
(Looks  at  picture,  which  represents  George 
Washington)  Clara  !  you  did  that !  (laughs  up 
roariously)  You  little  cheat! 

CURTAIN. 


UNIVERSITY  OF  CALIFORNIA  LIBRARY 


THIS  BOOK  IS  DUE  ON  THE  LAST  DATE 
STAMPED  BELOW 


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1983 


MAY  1 

NOV 1  7  '48 


1  6  1968 

\R 


5m-lO,'22 


Pressboard 
Pamphlet 

Binder 
Gaylord  Bros. 

Makers 
Stockton,  Calif. 

PAT.  JAN.  21.  1908 


TS3553 


UNIVERSITY  FARM  LIBRARY 


